I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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