in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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