would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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