so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
