Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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