Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
