i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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