I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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