I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He told me they were just razor bumps!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
