tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
