I have demons in me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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