Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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