she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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