is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
