I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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