So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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