Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
