sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
