i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
