in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
