Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
