You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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