my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
