Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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