At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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