My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
