literally had 100 drinks last night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
