I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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