Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize