$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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