I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
