his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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