Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
