I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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