um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
