I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
