happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
