Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
