I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
