Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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