i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
