im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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