I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
