The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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