i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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