It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
