Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
