it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
