Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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