That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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