When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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