I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
