You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
