well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
