booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
As shirtless as possible
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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