Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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