You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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