guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
