I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
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